Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Heartache that comes from a Miscarriage.


Devastating News...
I have been avoiding this post for quite sometime... My heart has been in shambles for the past month. 
I wanted my next post to be a surprise photo of our 8 week baby, but when we went in for the ultrasound we found our baby at 6 weeks with no heartbeat and the sack at 8 weeks development. After this scary, sad, and confusing ultrasound, we waited a week to see if any growth had been made. When we went back the next Thursday, it looked to have grown only 1mm... In total our baby was only 4mm, when it should have been 10mm and still no heartbeat. We left the hospital and prayed as well as asking for prayer from friends and really anyone for a miracle and to  see our little baby growing and a healthy heartbeat. 
For two weeks we had Ultrasound Technician telling me I should be losing our baby any day... 
So every pain and twinge I burst into tears thinking today is the day... I dealt with this for two weeks. 
On the Third week I sat in the Hospital bathroom before going into the ultrasound and talked to God... I told Him "Lord, If our baby is gone, I will not be angry with you, I will accept this and praise you through this loss" As I sat there an weeped in the bathroom, I pulled myself together and walked into an ultrasound room. The technician then confirmed that our baby had died around 6 weeks in the womb and my body was preparing to lose this precious child. 


Each week we had to walk down these long, dark corridors in the hospital to get back to our car and I must say the walks felt like an eternity... Me trying to keep it together as pregnant mothers walked towards us going to see there babies on an ultrasound and here I was walking away with my child inside of me that was no longer living...
My husband and I were so heartbroken and devastated, one because we were so over the moon excited to be having another child and it being our first all natural pregnancy that made it this long. 
As you know, we went in to do IVF and left the office in shock and happiness that we were already pregnant. We praised the Lord for His mercy on our family and giving us a chance at more children and put the IVF (our remaining 3 embryos on hold till next year). My tummy grew, my breasts were lactating at 6 weeks and I had morning sickness from 5 weeks and on. From all standpoints, we were pregnant with a healthy baby and I was getting so excited over going baby shopping with my mom when she came this summer... Little did I know that I would be picking out a box to bury our child in...

Waiting on a miscarriage. 
This is the worst thing for a mom and dad to go through if you have never had a full blown miscarriage. I have always had a positive test then 4 days later I bleed heavily with heavy cramps and you know there was a baby, but you never had to see it on an ultrasound for three weeks and pray over it's little body 24/7...

I did not know what to expect and I was scared... For one, I did not want to part with my child and everyday waiting for our precious baby to pass was so hard on us. Every cramp, spotting, tummy going down, morning sickness going away, my breasts going back to normal was hard emotionally, because all your hopes and desires to meet this child is disappearing day by day, slipping through your fingers. 
It's a living nightmare that you can't wake up from. 
It took my body 5 weeks from when our little baby went to be with Jesus to leave my body... I guess I can look at it as a blessing in a way. Getting use to the idea that our baby will no longer be with us and that I would no longer hold this child inside of me...

It was on my third week of ultrasounds and praying non-stop for a miracle that they confirmed our baby had passed away. We went home that Thursday afternoon devastated... then the cramping and spotting started, by Friday the cramping got heavier and the bleeding as well, Saturday came and so did the pain. Pain I remember from having Tallis... This pain was labor pain, and it lasted 7 hours... With every bathroom trip I was terrified of the baby coming. 
I went downstairs and labor started agin, back and front with tons of pressure in the birth canal. There is no confusing it... You know it is about to happen.
As I gripped my tummy giving my baby one last hug I lost the baby right then and there on Saturday Aug-3rd at 1:30 in the afternoon while our little boy Tallis slept upstairs. 
I looked to my husband and I said I think the baby has come... 
My eyes welled up with tears and we walked upstairs to the bathroom and saw our precious child laying there in a perfect little white/clear sack that was unbroken... We sat over our child, and thanked the Lord for our little blessing, to which we named our baby "Blessing". We weeped over our baby together then wrapped our baby up and just held it. This would be the closest we would ever get to hold our child on this earth. It was so heartbreaking, sweet and utterly devastating... 
I was in pain for about 5 days after losing the baby. I had to go back into see the Ultrasound technician to make sure all was gone... I walked into to room to a photo of another woman's baby on the monitor and I lost it. I just laid there on the table and had tears rolling down both sides of my face as they looked into my empty womb where the baby once rested... My heart was shattered and I felt like I had been living in a dream for the past two months that turned into a nightmare... All was gone and we were left with so much pain and confusion... 
We went into town a few days later and bought a small wooden box that had been carved. We placed our little Blessing inside with a poem from daddy and a letter from mommy... Justin went outback and dug a grave for our child and I brought the box out... I weeped over the grave as Justin prayed to the Lord, thanking Him for this little baby... We both placed these beautiful purple flowers on top of the box and laid our child to rest... 

We know we will see this precious child again one day along with all of our other children we have lost along the way. Why this has happened, we will never know, but we do know that we all die when the Lord calls us home, and He called our baby home and we  will always think of our child and praise the Lord for it as we praise the Lord for all the little souls we never got to meet on this earth... All we can do is pray the Lord shows our family mercy and allows us to have more children if it is in His will to do so...



Dealing with heartache...
I am now finding it quite hard to go out in public... I broke down in the middle of a grocery store the other day because I saw a pregnant woman fall in the middle of an isle. I rushed over to help her up and kept asking if she was okay?!?!?! Then she stood up and and said all was fine and not to worry about it, well I walked away in tears... I could not stop crying. My emotions are all over the place right now and out of no where I breakdown crying. 
I know it has only been 2 weeks since we lost the baby and I need time to heal physically and emotionally, but I am finding myself rushing through the grieving process just so I don't have to feel the pain of loss... If I actually take the time to stop and think about what all we just went through, I breakdown and weep for a child I will never know on this earth, a child I will never breastfeed, cuddle, give bathes to, read stories to and never get to see play with Tallis our little boy.

Having Tallis has been such a blessing and everyday he cheers me up and makes me smile, laugh and snuggling him is the best. 
Thank you Lord for our sweet boy, our cup over flows with endless love for him everyday...



Thank you to all who took the time to write us, pray for us, make meals for us and send us flowers. 
The strange thing we learned through this very hard time was the people you think would be there for you are not, and the ones you think don't care, really do and go above and beyond for you and your family... You find out who is there for you when your world falls apart all around you... It can make your situation worse feeling forgotten from those whom you thought were close to you, but so blessed by the ones who really come though for you in the end... God has really opened my eyes so much through all this and I am grateful for it...

To our baby...
May the Lords face shine upon you now and forever.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you... 
Will see again very soon... 





2 comments:

  1. Hugs! I just had a miscarriage as well! I did a post on my blog about depression after miscarriage and how common it is due to circumstances and loss of hormones...take care of yourself.

    your story is heartbreaking, but your story is not over. I will be praying for you. HUGS!

    kitty-ears.com

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  2. Thank you so much. Still dealing with it, but trying to come to terms with it. It takes time and I have learned not to rush it, it makes matters worse when I tried to... But we got a surprise at Christmas when we found out that we are pregnant!! I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a strong and healthy heartbeat. I still have fear every time I walk into the ultrasound room for fear I will walk into another nightmare... But we got great news today and the heart is strong and the baby is doing great!! Feeling so blessed and over the moon excited over this baby...

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