Monday, November 11, 2013

My sweet family...

Weathering the Storm.

The branches were long and full of life.
It turned its leaves toward the sun so bright.

It soaked up the warmth and basked in its rays.
It knew it could always count on these days.

But the north wind blew, and it shook to the core.
And the fruits of the tree became no more.

The storms came in one by one.
It kept waiting for this season to be done. 

Then clouds moved in, and the sun stopped shining.
The warmth was gone and the wind was binding.

As the tree stood watching its branches turn weak,
little did it know, the master was making it meek. 

One by one the clouds lifted away,
and the sun came shining one unsuspected day.

Through the storms, strong winds, and fires it fought,
the foundation where it stood was never rocked

The seasons came and went, and still no fruit was to be seen.
But the tree stayed strong with its hopes and dreams.

The leaves came in and filled the branches so bright.
It knew it was growing to the masters delight.

It was pruned and fed by the master above;
soon the tree knew it would always be loved.

"Would it to bear fruit again?" It sat and cried.
As years went by, it tried and and tried.

As the master sat under the tree, it prayed,
while He wiped every sad tear away.

"Never worry about what's to be.
Just know I am here sitting under your tree.

I will never leave you and you will never fade.
You will always bear the fruit I intended that day. 

No Tree can bear fruit all by itself.
You have always needed the Masters help.

I planted you next to a stream on solid ground.
No storm, wind, or fire will ever bring you down." 

The fruit you bear now, is not what you thought it at all.
It is kindness, meekness, and faith so tall.

On the ground where your fruit fell before,
It is now life springing forth, from which I'll adore. 

And on your branch, you will finally see
A tiny bud waiting to grow from your tree.

It was always in my time, when you'd bear fruit.
Now in your faith you will always take root.   

By: Laura Estrada

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Heartache that comes from a Miscarriage.

Devastating News...
I have been avoiding this post for quite sometime... My heart has been in shambles for the past month. 
I wanted my next post to be a surprise photo of our 8 week baby, but when we went in for the ultrasound we found our baby at 6 weeks with no heartbeat and the sack at 8 weeks development. After this scary, sad, and confusing ultrasound, we waited a week to see if any growth had been made. When we went back the next Thursday, it looked to have grown only 1mm... In total our baby was only 4mm, when it should have been 10mm and still no heartbeat. We left the hospital and prayed as well as asking for prayer from friends and really anyone for a miracle and to  see our little baby growing and a healthy heartbeat. 
For two weeks we had Ultrasound Technician telling me I should be losing our baby any day... 
So every pain and twinge I burst into tears thinking today is the day... I dealt with this for two weeks. 
On the Third week I sat in the Hospital bathroom before going into the ultrasound and talked to God... I told Him "Lord, If our baby is gone, I will not be angry with you, I will accept this and praise you through this loss" As I sat there an weeped in the bathroom, I pulled myself together and walked into an ultrasound room. The technician then confirmed that our baby had died around 6 weeks in the womb and my body was preparing to lose this precious child. 

Each week we had to walk down these long, dark corridors in the hospital to get back to our car and I must say the walks felt like an eternity... Me trying to keep it together as pregnant mothers walked towards us going to see there babies on an ultrasound and here I was walking away with my child inside of me that was no longer living...
My husband and I were so heartbroken and devastated, one because we were so over the moon excited to be having another child and it being our first all natural pregnancy that made it this long. 
As you know, we went in to do IVF and left the office in shock and happiness that we were already pregnant. We praised the Lord for His mercy on our family and giving us a chance at more children and put the IVF (our remaining 3 embryos on hold till next year). My tummy grew, my breasts were lactating at 6 weeks and I had morning sickness from 5 weeks and on. From all standpoints, we were pregnant with a healthy baby and I was getting so excited over going baby shopping with my mom when she came this summer... Little did I know that I would be picking out a box to bury our child in...

Waiting on a miscarriage. 
This is the worst thing for a mom and dad to go through if you have never had a full blown miscarriage. I have always had a positive test then 4 days later I bleed heavily with heavy cramps and you know there was a baby, but you never had to see it on an ultrasound for three weeks and pray over it's little body 24/7...

I did not know what to expect and I was scared... For one, I did not want to part with my child and everyday waiting for our precious baby to pass was so hard on us. Every cramp, spotting, tummy going down, morning sickness going away, my breasts going back to normal was hard emotionally, because all your hopes and desires to meet this child is disappearing day by day, slipping through your fingers. 
It's a living nightmare that you can't wake up from. 
It took my body 5 weeks from when our little baby went to be with Jesus to leave my body... I guess I can look at it as a blessing in a way. Getting use to the idea that our baby will no longer be with us and that I would no longer hold this child inside of me...

It was on my third week of ultrasounds and praying non-stop for a miracle that they confirmed our baby had passed away. We went home that Thursday afternoon devastated... then the cramping and spotting started, by Friday the cramping got heavier and the bleeding as well, Saturday came and so did the pain. Pain I remember from having Tallis... This pain was labor pain, and it lasted 7 hours... With every bathroom trip I was terrified of the baby coming. 
I went downstairs and labor started agin, back and front with tons of pressure in the birth canal. There is no confusing it... You know it is about to happen.
As I gripped my tummy giving my baby one last hug I lost the baby right then and there on Saturday Aug-3rd at 1:30 in the afternoon while our little boy Tallis slept upstairs. 
I looked to my husband and I said I think the baby has come... 
My eyes welled up with tears and we walked upstairs to the bathroom and saw our precious child laying there in a perfect little white/clear sack that was unbroken... We sat over our child, and thanked the Lord for our little blessing, to which we named our baby "Blessing". We weeped over our baby together then wrapped our baby up and just held it. This would be the closest we would ever get to hold our child on this earth. It was so heartbreaking, sweet and utterly devastating... 
I was in pain for about 5 days after losing the baby. I had to go back into see the Ultrasound technician to make sure all was gone... I walked into to room to a photo of another woman's baby on the monitor and I lost it. I just laid there on the table and had tears rolling down both sides of my face as they looked into my empty womb where the baby once rested... My heart was shattered and I felt like I had been living in a dream for the past two months that turned into a nightmare... All was gone and we were left with so much pain and confusion... 
We went into town a few days later and bought a small wooden box that had been carved. We placed our little Blessing inside with a poem from daddy and a letter from mommy... Justin went outback and dug a grave for our child and I brought the box out... I weeped over the grave as Justin prayed to the Lord, thanking Him for this little baby... We both placed these beautiful purple flowers on top of the box and laid our child to rest... 

We know we will see this precious child again one day along with all of our other children we have lost along the way. Why this has happened, we will never know, but we do know that we all die when the Lord calls us home, and He called our baby home and we  will always think of our child and praise the Lord for it as we praise the Lord for all the little souls we never got to meet on this earth... All we can do is pray the Lord shows our family mercy and allows us to have more children if it is in His will to do so...

Dealing with heartache...
I am now finding it quite hard to go out in public... I broke down in the middle of a grocery store the other day because I saw a pregnant woman fall in the middle of an isle. I rushed over to help her up and kept asking if she was okay?!?!?! Then she stood up and and said all was fine and not to worry about it, well I walked away in tears... I could not stop crying. My emotions are all over the place right now and out of no where I breakdown crying. 
I know it has only been 2 weeks since we lost the baby and I need time to heal physically and emotionally, but I am finding myself rushing through the grieving process just so I don't have to feel the pain of loss... If I actually take the time to stop and think about what all we just went through, I breakdown and weep for a child I will never know on this earth, a child I will never breastfeed, cuddle, give bathes to, read stories to and never get to see play with Tallis our little boy.

Having Tallis has been such a blessing and everyday he cheers me up and makes me smile, laugh and snuggling him is the best. 
Thank you Lord for our sweet boy, our cup over flows with endless love for him everyday...

Thank you to all who took the time to write us, pray for us, make meals for us and send us flowers. 
The strange thing we learned through this very hard time was the people you think would be there for you are not, and the ones you think don't care, really do and go above and beyond for you and your family... You find out who is there for you when your world falls apart all around you... It can make your situation worse feeling forgotten from those whom you thought were close to you, but so blessed by the ones who really come though for you in the end... God has really opened my eyes so much through all this and I am grateful for it...

To our baby...
May the Lords face shine upon you now and forever.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you... 
Will see again very soon... 

Sunday, July 7, 2013


Well the IVF appointment went really well!! We had to change a few things up with the IVF transfer, but it's all for the better. I will post more on July-16th when we go in for our appointment. Hope your all doing well. Please keep us in your prayers. 
Love, Laura

Monday, June 24, 2013

Appointment this week June-27th-2013

 We are driving down to Oxford, UK for my baseline scan on Wednesday morning. I never had my down regulation bleed, but the nurse said that sometimes happens and might not happen till after appointment if ever. Some women just don't bleed. I have been cramping every day now, suffering from dizziness, sore breasts, memory loss, nightmares, insomnia, and taking naps out of nowhere. Feeling very anxious and on edge. Not wanting to be around anyone... If the scan looks good and I have reached my baseline in hormones I start my progesterone pills on top of my nasal spay. But my menopausal meds will be sniffed only once a day instead of 4x's. I am in need of prayer more so for my babies. knowing that they are there waiting on me and my body, makes me long for them even more.  I pray for them and dream about them and what they would look like if they are born. A mom can't help but think about those things and long for her children. But I also long for Tallis to have brothers and sisters. It is in The Lords hands and all we can do is trust in His will for our life and through this process. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

This photo pretty much sums it up.

So I am on Day 5 of my down regulating drug. It has hit me hard, but still no bleed. I started spotting yesterday afternoon, but then it stopped. I am cramping something awful... I am feeling really strange. Like a storm brewing inside my chest. I wake up in the middle of the night not feeling right. I pass out, out of nowhere during the day and just feel like crying all the time. I have been in my PJ's for 5 days now and put normal clothes on yesterday while a friend visited. I managed to throw some make-up on as well, but it does not hide the stress, and the overwhelmed look in my eyes. This drug is the worst... 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Tallis turns 2!!

For Tallis' Birthday we took him to the Train Museum. He loves trains!! He had such a great time and loved his Indian food, and Train cupcakes for his celebration with mommy and daddy! He is such a beautiful little boy, inside and out. 
We are so blessed to have him :) 


Day 1 of IVF Med's

Just started my med's today June-9th-2013. 
I am doing the one in the middle right now. So far so good, but I know it will hit me in a day or so. 
Just feeling a bit forgetful... I left the top of the gas stove on with the flam going for two hours tonight. Feeling a bit dazed. I am doing the nasal spray 4x a day. One squirt in each nostril. I have been through this before, but this drug is a bit different than the one I used last time. 
I will let you know how it goes. Please keep us in your prayers. This is going to be a bumpy ride!! 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Big Boy Bed.

This is not a photo of Tallis but the bed we got him. 
We put Tallis' Big Boy bed together last night (It's in the shape of a digger truck) haha! He loved it!! We put him in it with his blankets and stuff toy... Justin and I talked to him about being a big boy now and he has to stay in his new bed all night. We kissed him, shut the door and 2min later I see the door handle being pulled on and little fingers gripping the door and me meeting him face to face, (trying not to laugh) saying, Tallis... Your suppose to be in your big Boy bed... I walked him back and talked to him again telling him he has big boy freedom of having a bed and to say in it. I told him if he gets up again he would be back in the crib. He said BYE MAMA 3x's to get rid of me, and I said alright, goodnight I love you... Less then a min later he was opening the door again. So needless to say he slept in his crib last night. Baby steps, LOL! We will try this every night till he understands that that is his new bed. He looks so cute all tucked into his new bed... My baby is a little boy...

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Growing in faith.

Now with all that being said on my last post, I would like to say, looking back on the past 7 years of our marriage we have been through so much together. Growing in our faith, learning to be empathetic and sympathetic towards others when going through trials. Understanding the Lord more and praising Him through loss, illness, struggles, school, other Christians, family, friends (or lack there of) and learning how to be selfless when loving each other and those around us, and trying to put others before ourselves and praying others will do the same when we are dealing with hurt or grief.
It has been such a blessing for me to talk to other woman going through this hard time in there life and what a honor it is to pray for them and there families. To be able to give love and support to other woman is a blessing and I feel a calling from God. To encourage, hug, give a card, flowers, food, whatever they might need while dealing with surgeries, pain. loss, IVF, or IUI's. The Lord has really taught me what women need and not always words, but a listening ear and an understanding heart.

We have so much more to work on and some days I feel so weak and far from God and feel so unworthy of His love. No one deserves a perfect life, children, money, job, illness free or even salvation. Which makes Christ's love for us so much more sweeter and filled with Grace.
We want our child to learn this as well and see it in our marriage. With being married it is always growing, evolving, changing, but the one thing that stays constant, is our love for the Lord and our love for one another.
When both of our feelings are rubbed raw, on edge with grief, finances, lack of sleep, sick and not knowing what the Lord is wanting from us or where to go, we are both planted firmly in our faith and trusting that through all things the Lord is being glorified. We just pray each and every day that the Lord is pleased with us and sees how much we treasure Him and trust in Him to provide for us spiritually and in all areas of our lives... There are days where I hit rock bottom and it takes all I have to just get up in the morning. The Endometriosis really wears on my body... I pray every day for the Lord to heal me and make it go away, so that I can be the best mom and wife I can be. I have no energy, I'm in pain a lot of the time and having miscarriages is hard on me, my husband and my body. We pray for the Lord to give us the strength to get through it and to proved love and support from those around us. 

Dealing with Stress...

We are dealing with loads of stress right now...
We are dealing with our miscarriage on May~20th, as well as this IVF cycle we are about to start next week. We are praying the Lord will have mercy on us through this very difficult time and provide us with the love and support we need through our family and friends... If you don't have the support and understanding of family it makes things twice as hard and so stessfull. My heart is breaking over loosing our baby a little over a week ago and I am trying to cope with that as well as the three babies in Oxford. We want these sweet babies to live more than anything and to even think that they could pass away is weighing so heavy on our hearts. People just don't understand all you go through emotionally and physically with IVF. It really does a number on you spiritually, emotionally and least of all financially. I say least of all because we would pay anything just so our babies have a chance at life, but it does kick you in the wallet.  On top of everything, I am sick again. This is twice in two weeks. I think stress and the heartache I have been going through has made my body weaker. Praise the Lord my husband is done with school for this year and I have more help at home with our wonderful little boy, who brings a huge smile to our face each and every day. He is turning 2 next week and we can't wait to celebrate his Birthday!! Praying for the Lord to give him a sibling. He would make such a wonderful Big Brother!! So please keep this family in your prayers. We really need love and support right now. 
Thank you... 

Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

Monday, May 27, 2013

IVF Ready to Go.

Just got a call from the clinic and here is my schedule. 

 Start Down Regulation Drugs.
Sniffing Drug: 2 sniffs 4X a day. 

Baseline scan 10:30am 
Oxford, UK
Then I start sniffing 1 sniff 4 times a day

Jun-30th Sunday
Start Progesterone Tablets 

 Scan Thursday 10:15
Oxford, UK

 Implanting Monday Morning 
Oxford, UK